Was it my fault
I just turned 15 a couple of weeks ago.. Me and a friend were getting ready for a night out.. Our first official night out.. Well, you now how that goes... We went to youth disco's but that was different. Everybody was around the same age and the same people every week.. So you can imagine thatt we were really excited.. We started in the afternoon.. Changing outfit every 10 minutes just to be sure we got the right look.. Wear heels to impress or sneakers to enjoy.. Putting on make-up and fixing our hair. When we were finally ready, we headed into town.. It was about ten o'clock by the time we left.. We went to the Monaco, the best bar in Bergeijk at that time. We hang up our coats and ordered our first drink. Let's get this party started...
And we did. Dancing, talking, making jokes about things we've been through. Couple of shots here, couple of coctails there. Meeting new people. I had the night of my life. At least that's what I thought.
At the end of the night we ran into a let's say neighbour of mine. He was a couple of years older than us. I met him before through my sister. By the time the bar closed up we headed home. John (that was his name) insisted to cycle with us, so he would be sure we got home save. With bouncy legs and glowing cheeks it sounded like a great idea, cause what could happen if he was with us.
We were rebuilding our house therefore my mom and dad lived in a trailer and my sister and me shared a cabin with separated rooms. My parents were already asleep as well as my sister. So I invited him in. I thought it would be rude to send him straight home. Cause we didn't have a couch we went into my bedroom and sat there. Suzanne was exhausted so went to sleep. John and I sat there for a while and talked some. I must have fallen asleep, cause when I opened my eyes. There he was, right on top of me. I tried to push him off but he was too strong. I tried to scream, but barely made a sound. What ever I tried Suzanne didn't wake up. What ever I did nothing seemed to work. He kept going. It felt like there was no end to this. When he finally stopped, he put on his clothes said it was amazing and left. I just sat there crying How could this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? Why me? Why? I was to scared to wake up Suzanne and I didn't want to bother her. She was asleep. The next day I told her what happened and said that she couldn't tell anybody, cause everyone would probably blame me. I had it coming. I drank to much so it was my own fault.
About a month later I ran into John again at the bar. He asked me if I was on Birthcontrol. Cause getting someone pregnant wasn't on his list. He also said that this should be our little secret before people would think strange things. I shut down completely. This was too much to handle. Did he really thoght that I liked it? Wasn't I clear enough that I didn't want it? So apparently it was my fault. I wasn't clear enough to him. Although I tried everything I could think of at that moment to make him stop. It wasn't enough, cause he thought differently.
It took me a while to calm down again, but I did and tried to make the best of my night. Once I got home I was relived. I could go asleep quietly. At least that's what I thought. When all of a sudden the door opened. And there he was again. Stupid stupid me. Why was I so trusting not to lock the door. I never did. Seriously stupid me. It happened all over again. Trying even harder to get him off. Trying harder to scream. But I couldn't. Nothing worked. I froze. I started crying. Tears rolled down my face and I just let it happen. The sooner it was over I thought.
When I think back. I can still feel the pain. His breath in my neck. The stiffening that slowely went over my body. The defenselessness that I felt. How can you get over something like that? How can you put this behind you? How can you except that it happened to you and move on? It's almost 13 years ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday.