I have quit a record of exes.. Some were oke and some were really worse.. But there was only one that stood out... seriously. There was nobody like him. With his smooth talks, big lies, drug use and steeling. But I loved him. Sounds stupid right.

I met bart throw my best friend back then Sammie. And oh my god he looked amazing. I was hooked already. I didn't see him for a couple of months. I even almost forgot about him. until I went for a lunch with Sammie. and there he was again. He still looked amazing. We talked for hours. By the time sammie and I had to leave I thought that I would never see him again. That was my luck. But surprisingly enough he asked for my phone number. Should have pulled some triggers.

For a couple of weeks we were texting, calling and seeing each other. And then it became official. We were in a relationship. And that's when it all started. He was on drugs, I knew that. But he kept saying he was gonna quit. And I kept believing him. How silly of me? I didn't know any better. More and more he dissapeared off the radar for days and suddenly showed up when he needed money. It was Always for us. I Always believed him.

There was the time his parents went out for a holiday. They had a lock on their room to keep Bart out. His brother was the only one with a key. In that room was spear money in case they needed some, along with some bankcards and pincodes. You can guess what happened. Bart broke the door, took the money and the cards. In a week time he spend over 1000 euro's. His parents were furious. And I can understand that. But I didn't say a thing about it. His mother had a burn out. There were some guys Bart owned money to, who pay them a visit claiming the money from his parents.

People, random strangers who walked up to me, telling me I was better off without him. Messages on his Phone from girl I never heared off saying it wasn't gonna work between them or something like that. He Always had a good excuus. And to me it sounded like he was telling the truth. Stupid me again.

One night we were in town. I asked him if he was on drugs. His answer was no, but his nose was telling differently. You could still see the white powder. Crazy me, I let him get away with it. And that same night I caught him with another girl in his car both half naked. I was really mad. I yelled at them. She left and he brought me home. We talked for hours about it and I forgave him again.

And then the breaking point came. He dumped me. And I couldn't let go. I didn't want to loose him. I loved him. He said that I didn't loose him. He just needed time to fix himself and when the time was right he would come back. We both needed some space and if we were meant to be together we would end up together. And I believed him. But that was the last time I ever believed him. We never spoke again. I finally moved on with my life. Trying to heal the scars he left behind. And peace by peace I realized it was all one big lie.

I feel stuck. A couple of months ago I had amazing plans on the job. Beeing more than just someone who workes there. Making a differents. But now, I don't know anymore. Everything I'm trying feels useless. I'm doing everything by the book. I'm thinking out of tbe box to solve any problem. I'm starting to learn everything about the new computer system. I just want to know more. So I can fix problems better. But this all aplies to the job I have now. And frankly I don't know what I want to be in the end.. I just want to feel important. That's alwayscmy battle. At my job, with my family, in my life. Butbwhen are you important? And how do you get there?

Maybe I should stop doing everything by the book and think out of the box with everything. Make myself important. Starting with being important to myself. Feeling good about myself. And showing that to others.. It's a start. And a damn good one.

I just turned 15 a couple of weeks ago.. Me and a friend were getting ready for a night out.. Our first official night out..  Well, you now how that goes... We went to youth disco's but that was different. Everybody was around the same age and the same people every week.. So you can imagine thatt we were really excited.. We started in the afternoon.. Changing outfit every 10 minutes just to be sure we got the right look.. Wear heels to impress or sneakers to enjoy.. Putting on make-up and fixing our hair. When we were finally ready, we headed into town.. It was about ten o'clock by the time we left.. We went to the Monaco, the best bar in Bergeijk at that time. We hang up our coats and ordered our first drink. Let's get this party started...

And we did. Dancing, talking, making jokes about things we've been through. Couple of shots here, couple of coctails there. Meeting new people. I had the night of my life. At least that's what I thought.

At the end of the night we ran into a let's say neighbour of mine. He was a couple of years older than us. I met him before through my sister. By the time the bar closed up we headed home. John (that was his name) insisted to cycle with us, so he would be sure we got home save. With bouncy legs and glowing cheeks it sounded like a great idea, cause what could happen if he was with us.

We were rebuilding our house therefore my mom and dad lived in a trailer and my sister and me shared a cabin with separated rooms. My parents were already asleep as well as my sister. So I invited him in. I thought it would be rude to send him straight home. Cause we didn't have a couch we went into my bedroom and sat there. Suzanne was exhausted so went to sleep. John and I sat there for a while and talked some. I must have fallen asleep, cause when I opened my eyes. There he was, right on top of me. I tried to push him off but he was too strong. I tried to scream, but barely made a sound. What ever I tried Suzanne didn't wake up. What ever I did nothing seemed to work. He kept going. It felt like there was no end to this. When he finally stopped, he put on his clothes said it was amazing and left. I just sat there crying How could this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? Why me? Why? I was to scared to wake up Suzanne and I didn't want to bother her. She was asleep. The next day I told her what happened and said that she couldn't tell anybody, cause everyone would probably blame me. I had it coming. I drank to much so it was my own fault.

About a month later I ran into John again at the bar. He asked me if I was on Birthcontrol. Cause getting someone pregnant wasn't on his list. He also said that this should be our little secret before people would think strange things. I shut down completely. This was too much to handle. Did he really thoght that I liked it? Wasn't I clear enough that I didn't want it? So apparently it was my fault. I wasn't clear enough to him. Although I tried everything I could think of at that moment to make him stop. It wasn't enough, cause he thought differently.

It took me a while to calm down again, but I did and tried to make the best of my night. Once I got home I was relived. I could go asleep quietly. At least that's what I thought. When all of a sudden the door opened. And there he was again. Stupid stupid me. Why was I so trusting not to lock the door. I never did. Seriously stupid me. It happened all over again. Trying even harder to get him off. Trying harder to scream. But I couldn't. Nothing worked. I froze. I started crying. Tears rolled down my face and I just let it happen. The sooner it was over I thought.

When I think back. I can still feel the pain. His breath in my neck. The stiffening that slowely went over my body. The defenselessness that I felt. How can you get over something like that? How can you put this behind you?  How can you except that it happened to you and move on? It's almost 13 years ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday.

It feels like hell every day and I don't understand why. I have a lot of fake friends. People who claim to be someone they're not. It takes a lot of time and investment to build a friendship with someone. Well, at least for me.

Resently I gave up on one of them. She is put back into my list of acquaintances. Something I should have done a long time ago. Lindy is a friend who says that she is straightforward, but really she's not at all. She is afraid of saying things to me cause I might get upset or angry at her. She Always talks about how she misses her friends, well she changed her entire life and expect everybody to change with her. She was my maid of honor for my wedding. But in January she wanted to quit that because I never called or texted her. We never came to visit. But the truth is neither did she. And if we're gonna weigh our friendship I have to say. We went there a couple of times and meanwhile they never came here. Somewhere in November she was coming over to watch a movie. Up until today we haven't seen her here. She's always busy with others or when there is time for me everything is about her. Do I even fit in her life? And does she fit in mine?

When she walkes into a room, she's all over the place. Most of the time she just suckes all the energy out of your body. Some like with her boyfriend (Ithink). Last summer she moved in with him and his folks cause she wasn't that much at home anymore. They already had an on and off relationship. Everybody asked her if it was a smart move, but she was sure. 2 Weeks later she came crying to Shanty. She dumped him and needed a place to stay until she had her own place again. It was definetively over. She had to cancel the planned vacation we were going on together beacause she needed to save the money. A month later she had her own place and moved all her stuff. Guess who helped her? Mitch, the ex or not ex or whatever. But he was just a friend and he wasn't gonna stay there. A week after she moved, me and my boyfriend went to visit her. Mitches shoes and clothes were all over the place. Are we supposed to believe he didn't live there? Really??

So after a couple of weeks again she finally told us they were back together and it was going great. For how long? And this kept on going for a wihile. Until it hit me. Everytime he made a mistake in her eyes, Big or small that didn't matter, she broke up with him. When he didn't do things her way it was over. Her way or no way.  I started to get fed up with it. So I simply told her that she had to make a choise. Don't come crying that you threw him out again or don't throw him out, cause I've had enough. Well, she made her choise, I never heard about it anymore. Nice. Until I heared what she said to Loren about him. Lindy wanted to dump Mitch, but she was gonna sit it out for a while cause the money was welcome. This way she could save up a bit before she threw him out. I mean seriously??? You're kidding me right??? Nope, that were her exact words. That was the moment that that part of our friendship was done. How can you do that to someone? I can't understand that.

Up until today they're still together I think. but I don't know and don't ask. Cause do I really want to know? I probably won't see her that much anymore. She left Reusel behind, got fired at the factory where we work and she moved again. Even further away than the last time.

What a hell of a job..

Start with finding de right cards.. Making the tekst that goes on it.. Order them, and then, when you finally received your cards.. you have to fold them yourself... It took me another evening, while I thought I could immediately send them out....

lucky me, more work... maybe they're right when they say you have to earn everything..

Is it normal that when you're learning something new on the job, you have to figure it out yourself? Or is this just me?

When my boss told me today that I had to do something new, I immediately knew I had to figure it out on my own. Crazy right? Not so crazy to me. I think I'm getting used to it. The last time my boss explained  how to do something, he did it in like 7 parts spread over a period of almost 2 weeks. One of the times it's usefull to write stuff down.

So today was no different. My boss told me to fix something I had never done before. He said I could ask Tim to explain it to me. Yeah sure, like he has the time to do that, Luckily he had the time, unfortunately he didn't have the knowledge. Well, that's fine by me.I'll find someone with the right knowledge myself. And I did. As proud as I was, I told my boss that I fixed it. You know what he said. That's great, next week you can teach someone else.

And that's Always my luck. Barely knowing something, but (according to other people) able to teach to others about that.

My first post here. But where do you start? At the beginning people would say, but where is that???

To tell you the thruth, I have no idea. Well actually I have an idea, but that should be when I was concieved. Only one problem.. that's not really a moment that I can remember. Same goes for when I was born.. I don't remember that either.. are there people in the world who do remember those moments? Do you even want to remember that??